


What is Love, if Not Madness?

by Phoenix_Soar



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Abuse Of Feels, Alternate Universe, Broken Promises, Fluff and Angst, Is love ever worth the wait?, M/M, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 17:09:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3858397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Soar/pseuds/Phoenix_Soar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a promise broken and a promise kept. But for how long can one keep holding on to such a promise?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What is Love

**Author's Note:**

> My entry for kyusungcentral @ LJ/AFF's Valentine's Day Songfic Fest. The prompt was "Far Away" by Nickelback.
> 
> Written in 2013, and originally posted at LJ and AFF.

 

The end begins with a promise.  
  
_I’ll come back._  
  
There are two ends to a promise. It can either be fulfilled or broken, depending on the faithfulness or fickleness of the one that makes the promise.   
  
There is just one too many fickle people in this world.   
  
_Just one year. That’s all I ask._  
  
It has been two now and Jongwoon is still waiting, standing in the middle of the little clearing where they had buried their time capsule the day Kyuhyun had left him with his empty promise of coming back. Because most promises are meant to be broken.  
  
And Jongwoon wonders why he is still upholding his end of their deal, why he still waits.

~***~

The beginning started with an accident, like every corny accidental meeting of lovers in the movies.  
  
The water balloon, filled with red-dyed water, that Jongwoon had flung at Jongjin’s head had sailed over its intended target – because Jongjin had had the foresight to duck right on time – and landed squarely on the head of the young man briskly walking right behind him.   
  
Jongwoon had frozen to the spot, horror-struck, as he watched the stranger gape disbelievingly down at his soaking clothes, his crisp white shirt now stained a crimson red. Behind Jongwoon, his friends Yunho and Changmin cracked up while Jongjin hurriedly bowed to the young man and apologized on behalf of his brother.   
  
And then the stranger had finally looked round and that was when Jongwoon had caught his first sight of Cho Kyuhyun. Angry dark eyes were glaring at him through the mop of wet brown hair falling into them. The pale skin of his face was coloured a red matching his irritation and the inviting pair of lips were turned down in a frown.  
  
If Jongwoon had not been so caught up with apologising, offering to clean his clothes and inviting him into his apartment to dry off, he might have paid more attention to the strange fluttering feeling in his gut.  
  
Kyuhyun had forgiven him later, when he was seated on Jongwoon’s sofa in dry borrowed clothes and a hot cup of tea in his hands. He had laughed when Jongwoon explained the water balloon throwing was a party he and his friends had come up with for Jongjin’s birthday since his little brother had not been able to make it back home to his friends on time.  
  
‘Strange way to celebrate a birthday,’ Kyuhyun had commented, amused. ‘Do you always add colour to the water?’  
  
‘Only on special occasions involving special people,’ Jongwoon had replied with a grin and Kyuhyun had laughed again, shaking his head. He decided that he kind of liked Kyuhyun’s laugh.   
  
And there had been that strange fluttering feeling in his gut again.  
  
Much later, after Kyuhyun’s clothes had been washed, dried and ironed (Kyuhyun had watched with something between amusement and awe as Jongwoon handled the iron expertly. ‘It’s something you learn when you’re living alone,’ Jongwoon had told him a little defensively), Jongwoon apologised deeply again for the accident.   
  
‘Don’t be. You gave me the perfect excuse to get out of a meeting with my editor-from-hell today.’  
  
The radiant smile Kyuhyun had shot at him then had knocked the breath out of Jongwoon. He had stared openly, losing himself in the inviting dark eyes gazing into his own. If Kyuhyun had noticed Jongwoon’s unabashed stare, he made no comment about it.  
  
Right as Kyuhyun was about to leave later, dressed in his dried and pressed clothes again, Jongwoon had stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.  
  
‘W-wait. Next time ... let’s meet again under more normal circumstances. Without water balloons flying around, I mean.’  
  
There had been silence for a minute. And then Kyuhyun had grinned at him, his pale cheeks colouring the palest of pinks.  
  
‘I don’t think I’d mind another water balloon to my head, to be honest.’

~***~

He goes to the beach every Sunday, early in the morning, at dawn. When it is empty and open, inviting, waiting just for him.  
  
He goes to the beach and faces the east, waiting for the sunrise while the salty water swirls around his ankles in cool continuous caresses. He stays and listens to the music of the waves, their steady stable rhythm as they lap at the white sand. They draw away from the beach again and again, but they always come back to take the sand back into their embrace, again and again.   
  
The waves always come back.   
  
And so does the sun.   
  
He watches with hollow, distant eyes as the red orb of fire breaks over the horizon, spreading its golden rays across the shimmering ocean and the glowing sand. His skin welcomes the warmth, the comfort, the reassurance that even the sun will come back after the enduring darkness and loneliness of night. Because it always does.  
  
He stays and welcomes the things that come back.  
  
And he stays and waits for the one that does not.

~***~

Kyuhyun did not like coffee, turtles or physical affection.  
  
Jongwoon was the king of all three.  
  
How they ever got along was a mystery and something Yunho and Changmin often loved to poke fun at, making a string of “Opposites Attract” jokes, usually when Kyuhyun was right there with Jongwoon.   
  
Jongwoon had found that he did not mind, mostly because he loved seeing the embarrassed blush that spread across Kyuhyun’s cheeks during these moments. (And his own face looked more or less the same, Kyuhyun had once told him irritably when Jongwoon confessed that to him.)  
  
However, gone for coffee, they had, with Kyuhyun always ordering something like a Mocha Frappechino because the ‘taste of chocolate makes it a bit more bearable.’ And when that moment had come when Jongwoon decided he trusted Kyuhyun enough to introduce him to his babies, Kyuhyun had obliged to meet – so as to speak – Jongwoon’s precious turtles (and even awkwardly petted the smallest one). And somewhere down the road, when they had found out more about each other and grown comfortable in each other’s presence, he would even relax into Jongwoon’s friendly embraces and readily reciprocate his touches.  
  
In return, Jongwoon joined Kyuhyun in playing his favourite games (or tried to; he had never been a gaming protégé and would never be. But those escapades did lead him to nicknaming Kyuhyun ‘GameKyu baby’ despite the other’s vehement protests. Kyuhyun had liked it, though; Jongwoon could tell from the way he tried not to smile every time Jongwoon called him it). He went along with Kyuhyun on his drinking quests and tried the expensive wines Kyuhyun recommended despite his low tolerance (and dislike) of alcohol. And he learned how to read Kyuhyun’s moods and give him the space he needed.  
  
Without question, they found themselves making time for each other despite their busy lives, Kyuhyun being the PA of an editor at a publishing company and Jongwoon being the co-owner of a cafe along with his brother. They would meet in the evenings after work, sometimes late at night, and create memories and learn of each other together. They learned through words, shared secrets, stolen glances and shy smiles, each of which grew and increased with the passing of time. And they learned through hesitant touches, bold gestures and mutual consent.   
  
It had soon become obvious that Jongwoon was not the only one to feel strange fluttering in his stomach when they were together.   
  
It became a journey they started together, without verbally acknowledging it, just with understanding and acceptance.   
  
When Jongwoon reached for his hand, Kyuhyun did not pull away. And when Jongwoon pressed up against him, held him close and sealed their lips together in a silent confession, Kyuhyun responded in kind.   
  
How was Jongwoon to know then that the journey they had just started was not one that would reach completion?

~***~

Yunho asks him why he still waits. So does Changmin.   
  
And so does Jongjin (but never with words. His brother does not have to voice it. His eyes are enough).  
  
The topic does not crop up often, because they know what it meant to Jongwoon. What Kyuhyun still means to him.   
  
But every once in a while, they have to ask. And Jongwoon knows why they do.   
  
It is a question he has asked himself time and time again. And he knows he will still ask himself in the future.  
  
He may never know the answer.  
  
‘We don’t want to see you destroy yourself, hyung...’  
  
‘It’s been two years. He ... he’s not coming back.’  
  
Jongwoon cannot even dredge up anger at their words. Perhaps because, deep down, there is a little part of him that has accepted that as the truth.   
  
However, in spite of that, in spite of the days he spends waiting, searching, waiting, searching, the larger part of him still does not accept it. That part is still there, putting faith in Kyuhyun’s broken promise.  
  
Still waiting.  
  
Jongwoon smiles at his friends and tells them he is fine, that things will be alright. They sigh and give in again for the present, like always.  
  
Only Jongjin looks at him, without words, his eyes speaking volumes. Jongwoon turns away.

~***~

‘You’ve got it bad,’ Jongjin had teased him when Jongwoon returned home late one night, a dopey smile still on his face. Kyuhyun tended to have that effect on him.   
  
Jongwoon had not argued. No one had ever made him feel the way Kyuhyun did. There was no point in denying it.  
  
So he had just smiled, smacked Jongjin upside the head, and asked if he had finished tallying up the sales for that day.  
  
‘I’m happy for you, hyung,’ Jongjin had said on another occasion, with so much sincerity and seriousness in his voice that Jongwoon had put down the newspaper he was perusing and stared at him. It was half an hour before they were due to open their cafe for the morning rush and his brother was in the middle of setting up the last table.  
  
‘Where did that come from?’   
  
‘I mean it, you know. Ever since our parents ... well, since then, I’ve never seen you so happy until Kyuhyun came along.’  
  
‘Jongjin-ah...’ Jongwoon got up slowly, eyes wide.  
  
‘I guess it was the luckiest thing in the world, eh hyung, that you hit him with that water balloon?’  
  
Jongwoon had still been trying to process what Jongjin was telling him when Kyuhyun had pushed open the door and entered the cafe then, with his usual bright smile. ‘Morning, hyungs!’  
  
Before the older can act, Jongjin was in front of Kyuhyun and clapping him on the shoulder. ‘Take care of my brother, Kyuhyun-ah. He’ll take good care of you, too.’ With that, he disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Kyuhyun to gape at Jongwoon.  
  
‘Just what was that?’  
  
Jongwoon had shrugged, still staring after his brother. ‘I’m not sure ... but I think he was officially giving us his blessing?’ He added with a breathless laugh. He finally approached Kyuhyun to properly greet him.  
  
‘Good morning, GameKyu baby,’ he murmured against his lips, looping his arms around his waist.   
  
Kyuhyun squirmed a little, little spots of red blossoming on his cheeks. ‘Hyung! People will see.’ But his eyes sparkled and he leaned a little closer, fully pressing their lips together briefly.  
  
‘So what? We’re not even open yet anyway.’ With a chuckle, Jongwoon tightened his arms around Kyuhyun and rested his chin on his shoulder. ‘You know,’ he murmured thoughtfully, ‘whatever my dongsaeng said just now ... well, he’s right in any case. You ... you know that I love you, right?’  
  
It was the first time he had ever said so in words. It had just rolled off his tongue, without thought or plan.  
  
Kyuhyun stilled in his arms. ‘Yeah...’ His voice had lowered suddenly.  
  
‘And...’ Jongwoon swallowed. Knowing in your heart was a lot more different than actually saying it. ‘I won’t ever give up on us.’  _I’m never letting you go._  
  
At that, Kyuhyun pulled back to look at him. ‘Really?’ His eyes were shadowed.  
  
‘Really.’ And then Jongwoon was kissing him senseless, crushing him close and trying to overwhelm Kyuhyun with himself (just like how Kyuhyun always overwhelmed Jongwoon), until Jongjin came back from the kitchen and loudly complained about the PDA.  
  
Jongwoon broke away with one last peck and turned to Jongjin with an amused laugh. He had not noticed that the odd look in Kyuhyun’s eyes never faded.

~***~

He goes back to the clearing more often than he should, the clearing where it all ended.  
  
He sits at the centre, not seeing the tall green trees surrounding him, not hearing the whisper of the wind stealing through the leaves, not even feeling the warmth of the blazing mid-day sun shining directly above, bathing the clearing in blinding gold. He sits and digs his fingers through the loose soil, right beside the little pile of stones he had built with Kyuhyun to mark the spot where they had buried their time capsule more than two years ago.  
  
_Just one year. That’s all I ask. We’ll meet again here in one year and read the letters we wrote to each other. Wait for me, Jongwoon hyung. I’ll come back.  
  
...All right. I won’t ask then. One year. I’ll wait for you, Kyuhyun-ah. You know I always will._  
  
He smiles bitterly to himself at the memory of a promise Kyuhyun has broken and Jongwoon is still fulfilling.   
  
His fingers ache to throw away the little pile of stones, to dig maniacally at the soil until he has dug up their time capsule so that he can read the letter Kyuhyun wrote him.   
  
So that he can find the answers he so desperately needs.   
  
But he does not; it was their promise to read the letters together.   
  
His fingers never dip deeper than two centimetres into the soil as he sits and waits.

~***~

It had not been hard to notice, really.   
  
The way Kyuhyun stiffened when Jongwoon embraced him. How he broke their kisses too soon, too abruptly. How he kept a distance between them as they walked together.   
  
Jongwoon had thought Kyuhyun needed space, not being such a physical person by nature. That need had not been very prevalent before, but every relationship had their dips.  
  
He knew for sure something was wrong, though, when Kyuhyun started finding excuses to cancel their dates, stopped coming to the cafe regularly and sent most of Jongwoon’s calls to voicemail. His smiles were half-hearted and unconvincing, his eyes shadowed and filled with a secret Jongwoon did not know.  
  
Playing the cat-and-mouse game had never been Jongwoon’s thing. He was the sort of person to tackle the problem right at the heart of it.  
  
‘Why are you avoiding me?’  
  
Kyuhyun had avoided his eyes, refusing to answer the question. Jongwoon had actually stayed in front of his apartment until he came home from work, without bothering with phone calls or text messages that would surely have gone unanswered.  
  
‘Something is wrong, Kyuhyun,’ Jongwoon pressed with a frown, taking a step closer. ‘Please, tell me ... Did I ... do or say something?’  
  
‘N-no!’ Kyuhyun said at once, quickly looking up. ‘No, no ... hyung, you haven’t done anything. I just...’  
  
Jongwoon had not been able to get anything else out of Kyuhyun that day. The younger man had given him the strangest look – troubled and conflicted and agonised – before grabbing him by the shoulders and crushing their mouths together with a need and desperation that had never been there before. It was their first kiss in what seemed like ages and Jongwoon had returned it ravenously, but there had been no comfort or reassurance in it.  
  
And then Kyuhyun had let go as suddenly as he had initiated the kiss and hurried inside his apartment with only one request to Jongwoon: write him a letter with everything he wanted to say to Kyuhyun then and meet him the next day in front of the cafe. He had shut the door in Jongwoon’s face without another word.

~***~ 

He hates himself sometimes.   
  
He wonders if he is being weak, needy or just pathetic. Is that why he can never seem to let go?  
  
For all purposes, it seems that Kyuhyun has already let go. Jongwoon has seen neither hide nor hair of him in all this time. Why cannot he do the same?  
  
He knows he has every right and reason to break away from Kyuhyun now. What honour or loyalty is there in upholding his part in a promise that the other has long since broken? By all means, he should gather the threads of his life and move on, make a new beginning and embrace a better living. That is what his friends have been telling him, and it is something Jongwoon himself knows.  
  
But the memories refuse to leave. The times he had spent with Kyuhyun and all the joy and happiness they brought him are still imbedded at the front of his mind. Jongjin had been right: ever since the loss of their parents, Jongwoon had not felt such happiness until he found Kyuhyun, in whom he had found a person so different from himself and yet fit him perfectly. The balance they had between them, the words they had spoken and the words left unspoken, the understanding and meaning behind every smile and touch ... the feeling of being home, having someone he can see himself calling family.  
  
What he found in Kyuhyun, how can he ever find that in anyone else?  
  
It makes no sense to still be keeping his faith in Kyuhyun; the promise has already been crushed underfoot. What then makes him inherently believe – or subconsciously keep on hoping – that it will still be fulfilled one day?  
  
He cannot think of an answer.  
  
All he knows is that his dreams are still filled with the young man with the dark eyes and sensual lips, who stays with him, holds his hand through thick and thin, and never lets him go.  
  
It is pointless; a madness.  
  
But then what is love, if not madness?

~***~

Jongwoon had suspected that things would not end well when they met outside the cafe. Nevertheless, he had followed Kyuhyun without question, with nothing but unyielding trust, as the younger man had led him away in his car to the little forest, and then through the silent trees on foot until they reached the clearing that Jongwoon, at that time, had not known he would visit once every month from that day onwards for the next two years and more. In the hours of early morning, it had been dimly lit, quiet and peaceful.   
  
The anxiety in Jongwoon’s heart, however, had been anything but.  
  
‘I used to come here long ago with my grandfather,’ Kyuhyun said quietly, when they were standing right in the centre of the glade. ‘He brought me here and we’d play and later it became my secret place. My get-away from the world. I’ve never told anyone else about it.’  
  
Jongwoon remained silent, waiting for Kyuhyun to explain things.  
  
At long last, Kyuhyun turned to him. His eyes were shadowed and sad. ‘Hyung, I need to go away for a bit.’  
  
The other blinked in shock, lips parting.   
  
‘There are things I cannot say right now. I need time; I’ve got to figure it all out. There are so many things and I’m so confused and –’  
  
Jongwoon did not know how to make head or tail of what Kyuhyun was telling him. There was not a single hint as to what was wrong, what he could do to make it right.   
  
‘Kyuhyun ... I ... what are you saying? ...Did I –?’  
  
‘No, no, no.’ Kyuhyun’s look was one of desperation. ‘It’s not  _you_. I told you it’s not you. You don’t have to blame yourself for anything.’  
  
There had been nothing but confusion and a sense of being unable to breathe properly for Jongwoon at that moment. So many questions were in his heart, but he could sense Kyuhyun’s plea, his inner turmoil, whatever it was. And he had never been one to push others into things they did not want to do.  
  
It had taken several moments to compose himself and get his act together. ‘Can’t you ... tell me what the problem is?’  
  
Kyuhyun hesitated, and then shook his head. ‘I think I need to figure everything out for myself first.’  
  
Jongwoon forced a nod, trying to show he understood (but what was there to understand? Kyuhyun was leaving him completely in darkness). ‘I see. And? How ... how long? How much time do you need?’  
  
The other licked his lips, casting his gaze down. ‘... A while.’  
  
A shaky breath. A swallow. ‘I won’t stop you. This is important for you, I can see that. Take as much time as you need. But ...’ He could not finish, and Kyuhyun finished for him,  
  
‘I’ll come back to you, hyung.’  
  
They had taken out the letters they wrote to each other and placed them in a small tin box that Kyuhyun brought along. He sealed it shut tightly and, together, they had dug a hole in the soil one foot deep and buried it in the middle of the clearing – a time capsule, to be reclaimed in the future – and made a little pile of stones on top to mark the spot.   
  
‘I tried to explain everything as best as I could in my letter, hyung, but it’s not for now. Later, I promise. Maybe one day, we can fully understand each other.’  
  
Jongwoon had just inclined his head, the stinging in his eyes and heart and the lump in his throat making it impossible to speak. He still understood nothing, but he was placing his trust in Kyuhyun.   
  
‘When?’  
  
‘Just one year. That’s all I ask. We’ll meet again here in one year and read the letters we wrote to each other. Wait for me, Jongwoon hyung. I’ll come back.’  
  
That day, making his promise, Kyuhyun had neither hugged nor kissed him. There was not a single touch, but his dark eyes burnt with an earnestness and passion that Jongwoon had read as love as Kyuhyun looked at him. And Jongwoon had believed those eyes, the blazing fire in them which did not seem to hold even a drop of duplicity as they bore into him. Later, he would think that it was those eyes which had made him decide right then and there to place his heart, raw with wounded love and fragile like glass, in Kyuhyun’s hands.   
  
Because he believed then that Kyuhyun would not make a single crack in it.   
  
Cho Kyuhyun would come back.  
  
‘...All right. I won’t ask then. One year. I’ll wait for you, Kyuhyun-ah. You know I always will.’  
  
The expression on Kyuhyun’s face then had been the same look he got when Jongwoon had told him he loved him for the first time.   
  
And his response was the same. ‘Really?’  
  
Jongwoon had looked back at him, unsmiling and serious. ‘Really.’  
  
There had been no proclamations of love as they parted ways that day, no lingering touches or last kisses. Kyuhyun knew how Jongwoon felt about him and Jongwoon had seen Kyuhyun’s passionate love in his eyes.  
  
However, there was one thing Jongwoon had not been able to stop himself from asking, his voice laced with a plea he had not wanted to outwardly express,  
  
‘Do you  _have_  to leave?’   
  
Kyuhyun had looked at him over his shoulder for the longest time before asking, his voice just a whisper. ‘Would you let me go?’  
  
His heart had screamed no.  
  
‘...If you must, I won’t stop you.’   
  
There had been one last smile, small and bittersweet, before Kyuhyun turned his back on him again and disappeared into the trees.  
  
_But I want you to stay._  
  
Much later, after a year had passed and Jongwoon was left standing alone in the clearing with nothing but the silence of the forest to accompany him, he wondered if he should have answered no, after all.


	2. If Not Madness?

Yunho and Changmin give up on talking to Jongwoon about the past. Instead, they try to focus on more normal everyday things. They visit the cafe often and include him in their plans to hang out at their normal rendezvous spots.   
  
Jongwoon is glad and goes with their flow. He appreciates having his friends still with him, seeing how much they care, and he slowly but surely begins to act more like his old self around them. He may still be hurting, but Jongwoon has gradually come to realise that life is still ongoing and that he needs to focus on the other things that also make up his life.  
  
His friends are relieved to see the improvement. They do not comment, but their gladness is apparent.  
  
Jongwoon had not actually abandoned any part of his old life after Kyuhyun left, despite the loss of his happiness. He had continued to manage the cafe with Jongjin, doing his work meticulously. Only his enthusiasm had taken a beating. It slowly builds up again as Jongwoon starts pushing thoughts of Kyuhyun away during work hours, occupying his mind with coffee and flavours and food and recipes for new tastes. The old memories come back again when he is free, of course, but it is a relief to be let off from them for a little while every day.  
  
Jongjin notices the improvement as well, but he also chooses to keep his silence. Instead, he approaches Jongwoon with suggestions for opening a second branch of their cafe, hiring more staff, and ideas for new menus. With his older brother recovering a bit (at least during busy work hours), it has become easier to discuss these topics that Jongwoon had previously not put much heart in.  
  
It is blissful, feeling a sense of normalcy coming back into his life. That is not to say he does not think of Kyuhyun everyday – he does – or that he is no longer waiting for him – he still is – but at least, he can feel bits and pieces of happiness coming back to him every now and then.   
  
Within a few months of this, his friends and brother are a lot more joyful and Jongwoon decides he has been coping well lately. He is still haunted by Kyuhyun in his dreams and waking thoughts when his mind is idle, but he has learned to take reprieves from it by enjoying the company of his friends and his work while at the cafe. Even in his heart he knows he is feeling better in comparison to the past couple of years. He feels healthier, mentally and physically.  
  
It is during this happier period that, one night at the cafe about an hour before closing time, his brother nudges him in the direction of the back table and hisses with a conspiratorial grin,  
  
‘Want me to set you two up?’  
  
Jongwoon almost drops the coffee pot he is holding. ‘What?!’  
  
‘She is here again. And completely unable to take her eyes off you.’ Jongjin winks.  
  
That is the moment when Jongwoon feels like the little sanity he has worked back into his life is about to go down the drain again. He has come face to face with the challenge of making it official that he has moved on from Kyuhyun. The ultimate leap – he will not be allowed to look back if takes this step.  
  
And yet, faced with this girl – a regular customer that, until his brother had pointed out, Jongwoon had not realised was attracted to him – he finds himself on a precipice that he cannot bring himself to leap from. He has talked to her before on numerous occasions while he served her and has even thought her to be a nice and lovely young woman, with a ready smile on her face and friendliness in her words when she would shyly try to make small talk with him – but he cannot see himself making that jump to accept her into his life. He tries to imagine dating her, spending time together, learning about each other and, maybe one day, making things real between them.  
  
A new relationship. A new chance. A new life.   
  
But all he can see right then is Kyuhyun, what things had been like with him, what it had felt like being with him. And he realises within that second that it is hopeless. His heart is not ready for this, not yet. It will not be fair, neither to himself nor to this girl, who is innocent and ready to love, not tainted by the hurt of betrayal and heartbroken like Jongwoon.  
  
In the end, nothing comes of it and Jongjin looks perceptively at his brother as he states, not quite accusingly but not kindly either,   
  
‘You’re still waiting for him.’  
  
Jongwoon does not refute him.  
  
‘Hyung ... this can’t go on.’  
  
He sighs. ‘I know.’  


~***~  


During the first year after Kyuhyun left, Jongwoon had gone back to the clearing once a month – always on the tenth, for it had been on the tenth of July that they had said their good bye – because he had missed him so much that it literally hurt at times. In the clearing, he had felt a little closer to Kyuhyun. He would spend a few hours sitting by the little pile of stones, counting the months, weeks and days left to their reunion.   
  
Kyuhyun had not even told him where he would be going.  
  
During the second year, after the promise had been broken, he had continued to go back to the clearing – but this time, he did not know for what reason. There had been no point; Kyuhyun had not come back. The clearing had felt empty and cold; it no longer held the feeling of Kyuhyun’s presence.   
  
Still, Jongwoon had gone and he had waited and, despite how many times he had told himself otherwise, there was still that faith in his heart; that inexplicable trust, that belief that the promise would be fulfilled.   
  
He could not forget how real and sincere being with Kyuhyun had felt back when they had been together. The long time they had spent with each other, the memories they had created, the lives they had shared and the hidden pieces of their souls they had bared to each other. How could it all have been a lie?  
  
Nor could he forget their last few memories. The way Kyuhyun had kissed him in front of his apartment, the look in his eyes when he promised he would come back...  
  
‘It was real,’ he would mutter to himself, but his would heart sink again and again whenever he entered a clearing devoid of Kyuhyun, leaving Jongwoon to wonder if he was being the biggest fool.   


~***~  


It has been exactly two years and six months since Jongwoon and Kyuhyun had separated. He dresses up warmly – because it is a white winter this year – before going to the cafe where Jongjin assures him that he can hold down the fort until Jongwoon comes back. With a nod of thanks, he leaves.  
  
It is his last trip to the clearing. It has taken eighteen months for Jongwoon to give up and let go, to accept that he has been left behind and that he should get up on his feet again and move forward; but the moment is here now and Jongwoon sets out to the clearing for the final time.  
  
Because, unlike Kyuhyun, Jongwoon has the decency to say goodbye properly.  
  
Half an hour after Jongwoon leaves, Yunho comes charging through the cafe doors, searching desperately for him. His face falls when Jongjin tells him it will take a few hours before his brother comes back.  
  
‘Why, what’s wrong?’  
  
‘Changmin just called me. He saw that bastard in town earlier today.’  
  
Silence falls between them and they just stare at each other, frozen, the cheerful sounds and warmth of the cafe fading to a cold silence in their ears.   
  
‘What?’ Jongjin finally breathes, his eyes wide.  
  
‘Yeah. And he talked to him ... apparently he’s been in town for more than half a year already.’  
  
They know what the other is thinking: why the bastard in question has never approached Jongwoon in all the time he has been back; why he left Jongwoon to drown in hurt and betrayal while he watched from the sidelines.  
  
‘I should just go and kill him right now.’  
  
A sigh and then a shake of the head. ‘No. This isn’t our business ... Only Jongwoon hyung and Kyuhyun can fix this.’  


~***~  


If Jongwoon has thought that he has felt all the bitterness of love and all the unfairness that comes with it, he has clearly underestimated the full injustice of it all.   
  
For what is it, if not injustice in its purest form, that Cho Kyuhyun is waiting for him in the middle of the clearing when Jongwoon enters it that day, with no other intention than to say goodbye and leave Kyuhyun behind forever?  
  
He falters in his step, stops at the edge of the trees and gawks at the sight his eyes behold, feeling as if his legs will give out while his heart tries to leap out of his ribcage, pounding with shock and gladness and anger and love and bitterness and joy and hurt. It is one of those momentous occasions when it feels like every single emotion you have ever felt are coming together to clash in a tumultuous fury, leaving behind nothing but a sense of numbness, as if your heart has been hollowed out and emptied.  
  
Kyuhyun is looking right at him, solid and real for all appearances, as he waits for Jongwoon. His posture is stiff and tense; and yet, with his arms hanging defencelessly at his sides and his eyes open and unclouded – even from that distance, Jongwoon can read every single emotion in them; the nervousness and concern; and the guilt ... the shame – he has never looked more vulnerable. He is open to whatever onslaught he will receive from Jongwoon now, deserving as he is of it, and he waits for the older man to make the first move.  
  
The silence drags on, their breaths coming out as white puffs while the cold winter air hums around them, crackling with the tension between them.   
  
And then Jongwoon is turning on his heel and stalking right back the way he came, his throat clogged up and his heart clenching, assaulted from head to toe with the old pain of how Kyuhyun had betrayed him. This time, the renewed assault is tenfold more agonising and bitter.   
  
What right does Kyuhyun have to be here, now, when it is Jongwoon’s turn to say goodbye?  
  
‘Hyung...!’  
  
There is the unmistakeable sound of snow crunching underfoot and then, before Jongwoon can react, Kyuhyun has run up behind him. Arms come around his torso, holding him back, and Jongwoon feels a body – too painfully familiar – press up against his back. Kyuhyun’s face is buried at the nape of his neck and puffs of hot breath heat up his skin as Kyuhyun whispers, stumbling over the words,  
  
‘Jongwoon hyung, please ... I ... I know that...’ A shaky breath and his arms tighten. ‘But  _please_ , please don’t go just yet. Wait...’  
  
But it is Kyuhyun who had said he had to go. And it is Kyuhyun who had kept him waiting and waiting and waiting. And now...?  
  
Jongwoon has never hated Kyuhyun so much as he does in that moment.  
  
With a hiss, he breaks away from the desperate embrace, every bit of the hurt, bitterness and anger that have been building up inside him breaking free at Kyuhyun’s plea.   
  
‘Don’t! Just don’t.’ He turns around to face his old lover, eyes blazing. ‘How did you even know I’d be here?’  
  
Kyuhyun almost reaches for him again, thinks better of it, and lets his arms drop. ‘Because you always came here.’  
  
It takes what seems like forever for Jongwoon to comprehend the meaning behind his cryptic reply, and suddenly, it feels like his heart is breaking all over again. There is only one way how Kyuhyun could have known that Jongwoon always came back to this clearing, every month, without fail.  
  
‘Was it amusing?’ He hates how his voice breaks, how he chokes up. He takes a step forward, then another and another, driving Kyuhyun back towards the open glade with every step. ‘Did you have fun, hiding here in the trees and watching me wait for you in this goddamn prison, while I sat here and thought about how much I loved you and how I thought you felt the same way and, like the biggest fool in this world, I just kept on believing that you would come back?’ He stops his advance when they are right in the middle of clearing, Kyuhyun’s heels almost touching the small pile of stones in the centre. ‘Did you enjoy yourself, making me believe you had gone far away while you were right here the whole time, playing with me?!’  
  
‘No, no, hyung! I swear it was nothing like that! I did leave. I only came back six months ago –’  
  
‘Then why didn’t you come?’ shouts Jongwoon, his voice echoing among the silent trees. ‘Why are you here </i>now</i>?’  
  
Kyuhyun takes a step, closing the gap between them. ‘Because, what I thought I was feeling, what I thought could only be lies – I finally saw that it was true all along. It’s real.’  


~***~  


_Dear Jongwoon,_  
  
_I don’t know where to start._  
  
_I am so sorry for leaving like this. I know it will be a year before you read this, but I know that even till then, I’d hate myself for leaving and I would apologise to you every single day in my heart and still it will never be enough._  
  
_You know that I’m not much good with words (this is my 8th attempt at writing this letter). But when we meet again in a year, I want you to know why I’m leaving the way I am and I thought a letter would be easier to explain everything._  
  
_There are a lot of things I’ve told you about me, some of them secrets I’d once believed I would never share with anyone. I think I surprised myself by how much I found myself trusting you, but you never broke my trust and I kept on sharing my life with you more and more. You were doing the same. And it’s somewhere down that road that I think I realised just how deeply in love I’m falling with you._  
  
_But there are also some things I’ve never told you, and one of them is the resolve I made a year ago to never fall in love again._  
  
_I’ve never told you about the two people I loved before I met you. I didn’t think I’d have to, because when we first started going out, I never thought I’d fall as deep as I am right now. I didn’t think we’d last._  
  
_The first person was a boy I met when I was eighteen. We went to the same school and we shared the same interests. We were young and naive back then, but we promised we’d be together no matter what and I believed in him more than I did in myself. We kept our relationship secret for two years and I thought we could somehow make it. But, both of us being men, he said that society would never agree to our relationship. Nevertheless, he said he loved me and promised to be with me in any case. Barely two months after that, he got married to a girl his family had introduced him to. He was too ashamed of what we had to tell anyone about it or to just come away with me._  
  
_The other was a girl I met when I was nearly twenty two. I wasn’t over my previous love when I met her. I was still hurting and angry, but she was kind and gentle and she stood by me. We slowly became friends during the university classes we shared and she took away the pain I was feeling. I found myself falling in love again, this time with who I believed to be the right person. We were together all through University and when I had to come to Seoul for one year, to work as an intern, she told me she loved me and that she’d wait. We kept in contact throughout the whole time I was away, but when I was almost done, she called me one day. Her parents had found out about us and they didn’t approve. They were from a higher social class – her father was a governmental figure – but my family wasn’t and they wanted her to marry the son of a CEO. I asked her to wait, to tell her parents I’d meet with them as soon as I came back to convince them, but by the time I’d finished my internship less than a month later, she’d already got engaged to the rich CEO’s son her parents had chosen for her._  
  
_When I fell in love with these two people, I loved them completely with all my heart, the next one more than the last. And they both betrayed me right after saying they loved me. I would have done anything for them, but neither thought I was good enough._  
  
_I told myself I was done with it. I didn’t ever want to hurt so badly again and I promised myself I wouldn’t love again. And then a year later, I met you and by the time I realised I’d broken my promise to myself, I was in too deep._  
  
_In the beginning, I didn’t think we’d be serious. I was lonely and I was attracted to you when we first met, so when you asked me out, I just said yes. I didn’t think it would be a long-term thing. But the more I knew you, the more I realised I liked you. You felt so different from the people I’ve met and I trusted you more than I thought I should have. I told you more things about myself than I’d ever told anybody. I felt the danger, but I couldn’t pull away._  
  
_And then, that day at the cafe, you told me you love me. It’s not something I didn’t know, but I think I subconsciously ignored it before because I was afraid of what it would mean. But I couldn’t ignore it once you’d told me so directly. And it reminded me of the two people who had also once told me they loved me._  
  
_And that day, with that single sentence from you, I also realised how deeply I feel about you. You terrify me, Jongwoon. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this deeply about anyone before, and the more I feel, the more it will hurt later._  
  
_I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you these past several days. I know I hurt you by pushing you away and keeping my distance, but I also couldn’t just explain it all to you. I couldn’t tell you I was so afraid that you would be the next one to betray me and I don’t think I can take the hurt this time. I think I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before._  
  
_I’m so sorry for everything, Jongwoon, but I need to go before any more damage is caused and we hurt each other more. I need to leave to figure out my feelings, what I feel for you especially, and I can’t do that when I’m around you, always afraid that you will leave me. I don’t think I’m ready for what we have. The last time I made the mistake of falling in love – it still hurts. I don’t want things to be like that with you. Not ever again._  
  
_That’s why I’m leaving for a year. I need to find out what I really want in my heart and get my act together. Hopefully, when I come back, I can give you all the answers. And by then, maybe, we will both know what we want._  
  
_I know this is so selfish of me to ask you to wait for me when I’m the one confused and struggling with my feelings, but at the same time, I don’t think I want to let you go, either. So, let me be completely selfish this time and beg you to wait._  
  
_By the time you read this, I’ll be back._  
  
_Cho Kyuhyun._  


~***~  


It is a different kind of numbness one feels when he finally finds the answers to the questions he has long harboured about something. Jongwoon slowly lowers the letter to his lap, his eyes far away. The wet snow is soaking through the seat of his pants, but he barely feels the coldness; only the warm presence of Kyuhyun sitting beside him.  
  
In front of them, light snow in falling, some of them into the freshly dug hole around which the stones, previously piled up, lie scattered. The little trowel Kyuhyun had brought with him and used to dig the hole is laid beside it, next to the open tin box – their time capsule. Jongwoon’s letter has also been removed; it is now cradled almost lovingly in Kyuhyun’s hands. He has finished reading earlier, Jongwoon’s letter being only half the length of Kyuhyun’s at the most – he had been unable to think of what to write (not exactly having so many confessions to make like Kyuhyun) and had only written, as sincerely and straightforwardly as he could, about how his feelings for Kyuhyun were true, how Kyuhyun had begun feeling like his home and family, a person he trusted more than anyone, and how none of that would ever change. Kyuhyun is looking down at his scrawled words as if they are the greatest treasures anyone can ever receive.  
  
They sit in silence, Jongwoon still trying to stomach the contents of Kyuhyun’s letter. They explain so much and are slowly alleviating his bitterness towards his old lover, but the letter still does not explain everything.  
  
‘Why didn’t you come back when you said you would?’ His voice comes out hoarse, laced with hurt. ‘It’s been a year and six months since then...’  
  
Kyuhyun finally looks up, but then lowers his eyes again, his cheeks colouring with shame. ‘Because I was afraid,’ he whispers. Jongwoon turns to him and he begins to explain lowly, ‘When I went back to my hometown, I began helping out with my father’s business and I tried to focus only on my own life for a while. I wanted to give thought to us only after I had calmed down and become rational.  
  
‘But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Every single day. Everything I wrote in my letter about how I felt – I thought they might fade away if I was away from you. That would’ve made it less hurtful and easier to bear if you were to leave me one day, I thought. But it wasn’t like that at all. I thought of you and missed you so much it hurt and I hated myself for it. However, as the year continued to pass, I realised those feelings were real even if I didn’t want them to be...’  
  
‘But...?’ Jongwoon prompts when Kyuhyun suddenly stops, his head lowered.  
  
‘But ... when the time finally came, I was so in love with you that I didn’t know what I’d do if I came back and you weren’t here. I kept imagining that you’d moved on and found someone else...’  
  
Jongwoon looks away. ‘You didn’t believe what I said to you when you left.’  
  
‘No, no, I did. And I reminded myself of it again and again. But if my fears were to come true, it wouldn’t have been the first or second time for someone to leave me after promises of love. And with you especially, I couldn’t have taken the hurt. I loved you too much and I was too afraid...’  
  
The other looks down expressionlessly at his letter, lying on his lap. ‘You have no idea what you did to me, Kyuhyun.’  
  
‘Hyung.’  
  
‘Do you know what it feels like, being torn between betrayal and hope? It is one thing to  _know_  you’ve been cast aside – and, your letter, I’m truly sorry to know you’ve been hurt so badly in the past in such a way – but the pain of not knowing, Kyuhyun? Being left to wonder whether you have been betrayed, but always left with the hope that no, the one you’re waiting for will come back – do you have any idea how that feels like, how much it hurts? How, at the end, you’re just left feeling like a fool and wishing you never fell in love?’  
  
Kyuhyun reaches for him, his voice a whisper, ‘I’m so sorry, Jongwoon hyung.’  
  
‘I can understand now why you needed to leave, Kyuhyun; how you were hurt and why you were afraid,’ Jongwoon looks at the gloved fingers wrapped around his forearm, ‘but what you did to me by not coming back, not even bothering to see if I kept my word – you’re no better.’  
  
There is silence for a moment, broken only by their breathing. The snow flutters around them.  
  
Then, ‘I know,’ Kyuhyun says quietly. ‘I was selfish and thinking of only myself when I left. And I was selfish and still thinking of only myself when I gave into my fears and didn’t come back for another year. And...’ He leans a little forward almost tentatively, ‘I am still the most selfish man on earth for wanting you to accept me and love me, even now.’  
  
Something snaps inside Jongwoon. He does not know what fuels his next action – a mixture of resentment and possessiveness and vengeance and the love he has always harboured for Kyuhyun, perhaps – but he wrenches his arm free of the younger’s hold, grabs his shoulders and pushes him roughly down onto the snow-covered ground.   
  
Kyuhyun’s gasp of shock is lost in Jongwoon’s mouth as he leans over him and ravages his lips, harsh and angry and brutal, tongues sliding and teeth clacking together. Kyuhyun’s arms come about him, holding Jongwoon as jealously to him as Jongwoon holds him. He welcomes the onslaught of Jongwoon’s emotions, the raw passion and angry need to claim him, and Kyuhyun returns them with the same fervour, if not more. When Jongwoon breaks away just as abruptly as how it started, Kyuhyun pulls him back down again, his fervent lips demanding and pleading for everything Jongwoon can give him as Kyuhyun once more familiarises himself with Jongwoon’s taste, the one addictive drug he can never get enough of. Soft moans and heavy breathing fill the clearing and Jongwoon gives into Kyuhyun again, digging his nails into Kyuhyun’s sides under his winter clothing while he claims those inviting lips again and again with wild abandon.  
  
‘So selfish,’ he growls as he pulls away later, his eyes stinging with what he realises are tears. Kyuhyun holds on tighter and reaches up to kiss his throat, moist lips grazing over the cool skin.   
  
‘I know.’   
  
‘I waited for you!’  
  
Kyuhyun pauses, his tongue pressed to Jongwoon’s neck. ‘Yes,’ he answers quietly, hot breath washing over Jongwoon’s skin. ‘I should’ve plucked up the courage and come back sooner. I know that now and I’m so sorry, hyung.’ Closing his eyes, he presses his face to his neck, hugging him closer. ‘I’m sorry I hurt you...’  
  
With a deep breath, Jongwoon sits up, pulling himself out of Kyuhyun’s embrace. The younger man lets go reluctantly.  
  
‘You said you came back to town after another year. It’s been six months since. Why didn’t you come see me earlier?’  
  
Kyuhyun sighs, still lying on the snow. ‘I only got the courage to come back after another year. But then after seeing you, I grew afraid again. Suddenly I could realise how angry you must be and how much you would be hurting. I understood because the people I loved before did the same thing to me. And ... I thought, after all that time and everything that had happened, you might be happier if you didn’t see me, after all. I thought you might’ve moved on.’  
  
Jongwoon wants to both cry and shout at the same time. ‘You...! How could you just assume everything on your own? You should’ve talked to me.’  
  
Kyuhyun squeezes his eyes shut, grimacing with guilt. ‘I know ... I know now. I was an idiot and a coward and I gave into my fears again. But then, I found out that you were still coming here. Every month. And I realised you always came on the tenth.’  
  
‘... How many times did you follow me here?’  
  
‘Quite a few,’ Kyuhyun admits, looking even guiltier. ‘And seeing you here, I began to allow myself to believe that you do still love me. More than I ever dared to hope for. That’s what gave me the courage to come at last. That and to ask for your forgiveness.’ He sits up, facing Jongwoon. ‘I handled everything wrongly. I had my reasons for leaving, but there is no excuse for me breaking my promise. I was an idiot and a coward and I hate myself for hurting you. You told me you loved me and from the beginning you never broke my trust, and I ... I made the biggest mistake of my life. After everything you gave me, I...’  
  
_Who was I to make you wait?_  
  
Kyuhyun reaches for him tentatively. Jongwoon does not pull away.  
  
‘I know, Jongwoon hyung, that I deserve neither your forgiveness nor your love right now, but,’ Kyuhyun pauses and then boldly leans forward a little. When the older man sits still, wordlessly giving him permission, he presses his lips to Jongwoon’s, which are unresponsive this time. He holds the kiss for a few heartbeats, and then pulls away just so that he can speak, their faces still so close their noses brush together, ‘but I’m still selfish and I love you and I want you and I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you however I can.  
  
‘You once said you’d never give up on us and you never did. Today, I want to say the same thing. I’d give it all to make things work between us again, I’d do anything, but I won’t ever give up on us. And this time, I won’t break my promise and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you ... if you’ll have me.’  
  
_’Cause I’m not leaving you anymore._  
  
And Jongwoon knows right away what his answer is, though he does not give it that particular day. Because the wounds and scars are still there, fading but still painful, and Kyuhyun will have to earn his trust and love again (though Jongwoon does of course love him still, more than anyone he’s ever loved).   
  
And Kyuhyun will earn them, slowly and gradually.  
  
There will come a day when Jongwoon will finally believe, without a hint of a doubt, that he will never lose Kyuhyun again. He will hold him close and kiss him like how he used to, and freely tell Kyuhyun how much he loves him. And even throw a water balloon filled with red-dyed water at his head on his birthday. Along with that, there will eventually come the days when Kyuhyun can once more hold Jongwoon’s hand, touch him and hug him and be with him without flares of guilt rising up in his chest; when he can believe that Jongwoon no longer resents him for past mistakes.  
  
But for now, the answer Jongwoon gives is, ‘I forgive you.’  
  
And in return, Kyuhyun says the words he didn’t say when he said goodbye, the words he will repeat everyday from now onwards, ‘...Thank you. I love you, Jongwoon.’  


~***~  


_’You know, that day when you asked if I’d let you go? I wanted you to stay.’_  
  
_‘And that day in the cafe? I never said it back, but I’ve loved you all along.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My interpretation of Far Away, in the case of this fic, is that the lyrics are more from Kyuhyun’s POV. But for the narration, I chose Yesung’s POV.
> 
> I also apologise for the cheesy title.


End file.
